Wow, it has been a long time.
Mostly these days I don't know if I'm coming and going. I feel like I am living a nightmare. Mind you, not the completely atrocious kind like finding out someone you love is terminally ill or something, just something I never expected to have to face.
By now, most of you know that I was married for 12 years and have been separated for 3 yrs and divorced since last June. Some might say my marriage was horrific for the simple fact that my ex husband was really controlling and close minded but Im sure people have had it much worse. It was unfortunate but my ex husband and I just really are not on the same plane. Anyway, my ex has done nothing but made my life a living hell the last 3 yrs. Not paying child support, not visiting the kids, not looking after them so I could get a part time job, or go to school. I have no real support here in San Diego and it is very expensive to just make ends meet here. I should add that he lives for free with his parents who although never offer me any help or allow the boys to spend the night at their house, do completely support their son and have now offered to help him hire an attorney.
Although my ex has always been supportive of homeschooling it is now his "angle" and I am feeling so overdone by the whole thing. I dont homeschool for my health! I do it because I TRULY believe it is our boys best interest. Especially considering our eldest son has special needs. I have made the decision to live frugally and simply in order to accomodate my children and apparently everyone( my ex and even the court) has a problem with it. They think that it is weird that I choose to live simply and homeschool instead of just getting a job and putting the kids in school and daycare.
Mostly I am just feeling pissed off, like they are trying to tell me how to live my life and I am feeling enraged because my ex is just doing this to spite me and it feels like he always wins! This is all because I asked for a move away order to move to Washington where my family and friends live so they can help me and because it is so much cheaper to live there. I offered Todd 1 whole week every month and said he could deduct the price of a ticket from his child support. I offered him holidays and the summer, which if you do the math is almost half time. He of course said no, because he wants to control me. Can you tell me how it is in our boys best interest for us to live in a studio apt in the ghetto while I work/commute 60 hours a week and they now go to public school and daycare. All so he can live by his mom and dad! Let' not forget that in the last 2 years he has only had the kids for 5 weekend visits! IN TWO YEARS! I suggested he move to Washington, cheaper for everybody, better environment for kids etc. Wanna know what he said? But my friends and family are here. It's always about him.
Can you tell that I have lost my center? Having trouble breathing? This is taking over my life like a disease and I hate it. I wish I could say I was bigger than this. That the universe has a plan for me. Honestly I'm scared shitless and want to retract my move away order, and figure something else out. I liked being off the grid.
I just can't seem to pull it together right now.
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